Don't Call me Jake

Today Jake's everywhere are changing their names. Never in the history of mankind have more men applied for a name change, then a day after the NFL's Championship games. The reason for this movement is that both NFL quarterbacks Jake Delhomme & Jake Plummer stunk it up on the field in their respective games. We spoke with a Shotz Brewery employee, Jake Dahmer, a resident of Milwaukee, and he had this to say about his name change.

'Last night I couldn't take it anymore. My friends and families ridiculed me, saying I might as well kill myself because being named Jake I'd never amount to anything. So I applied to change my name to Jeff.'

Maternity Wards also received the wrath of the name Jake. Mothers and fathers everywhere who filled in the name Jake on their child's birth certificates, either A. abadoned their babies at the hospital, or B. used white out on the form and hand wrote a new name in. Tom and Matilda Manson changed the name of their son born yesterday hours before the AFC & NFC Championship games, to Charles.

'Jake was my grandfathers name, so we named our son after him hoping one day he would go on to do great things. But after yesterday we knew with a name of Jake he'd only amount to failure. So we changed his name to Charles after my wife's 3rd grade Gym teacher.'

It didn't stop there however. The band Less Than Jake have already changed their name to Less Than Cake. Vinnie Fiorello of Less Than Jake had this to say.

'We already knew we were Less than Jake, but to be Less than Plummer & Delhomme. Now that is bad.

Sports Jive Presents: Jive Sports???

Sports Jive Presents; Jive Sports???
A Dry Commentary on a Wet Subject
By Nick Newton 01/17/06

You hear it every now and again. Every once in a great time while turning the radio station, passing two co-workers at the water cooler, or even a small cautious blurp about it on a legitimate and credible sports blog on the internet such as this one. Well, my friends, this is one of those times. Are professional sports fixed? (This discussion does not include pro wrestling, as we have all known since 8th grade that it is authentic in every aspect.) Now let me be clear about something. There were alot of other topics in the world of sports to discuss this week, but I chose this one especially because of its obscurity, and because it also relates to the NFL playoff action this weekend.

Full Story...
Yes, I'm referring to the dead horse subject of what I like to call 'Troy Polamalu and the angry interception' in the divisional matchup with the Colts this weekend. There are many people who claim that the NFL favors certain teams every season and ensures, through the officials and schedule generation (according to these fanatics), that those same teams get to the playoffs every season. Let's set everything else aside right now and break that belief down based on the call in Indy that could've cost the Steelers the game. Troy Polamalu intercepted that ball. There is no stretch of the imagination, or the rules, nor is there enough bias on earth to deny that. It was obvious, if not at first, then certainly through replay. Even the NFL came out and admitted that 'incomplete pass' was a lousy call after it was all said and done. If the call HAD cost the Steelers the playoff game, what would the NFL have done to rectify it? Coin toss? No. Re-match? No. Award the Steelers the game? Absolutely not. They would've done what they've done in every other bad call situation, (After all, this isn't the first call of its kind.), and said 'Too bad, so sad, Steel city. We're human too you know. Life just isn't fair sometimes.' and life would've gone on.

Oh, and I guarantee the 'NFL is fixed super fan club' would've gotten a huge influx of membership requests.

Even in all the emotion of your team getting banged like the gates of Jerusalem, eventually you have to come back to logical breakdown and common sense. Bear with me during the logical deduction, I AM going somewhere with this.

Players devote their entire lives to winning, no matter the sport. It starts in them very young. Coaches as well. When a player gets good enough, or works himself into the rare situation to get into the NFL as a starter, that lifelong hunger does not just drop off with the signing of a contract, it intensifies with national spotlight. Now imagine 22 of those guys ona starting team. 44 on the field during just one of the games on Sunday + 2 coaches for simplicity sake. 46 hungry, angry winning machines with just one thing on their minds multiplied by the 14 games in the week comes out to 644 uncontrolable variables. And the numbers are much larger than that. Not only is the prospect of the NFL, or any other sports league for that matter, being totally fixed unlikely, scientifically it is impossible. Phew.

All of you 'fixed fanatics' out there don't stop reading now, because here's what I DO think. While the NFL isn't fixed in the true meaning of the word, I do believe that there are individuals in positions of power that try their best to give subtle advantages to their favorite player or team. Certainly the NFL wants to do what is most lucrative for itself. It's a business, after all, like any other. Don't you think it would've been more lucrative for the league favorite Colts to go to the AFC championship after all the hype of 'Chasing Perfection' during the regular season? Wouldn't it have been a better headline if it read 'The Colts are winning on Dungy's emotion.?' Favortism is human nature, and sometimes it becomes evident to us where we hate it the most.

Remember earlier in the season when SanFrancisco played in Chicago and Joe Nedney's short field goal attempt was returned 107 yards for a touchdown and deemed 'the longest play in NFL history?' Well, it's a little difficult, I guess, in all the emotion of a brand new NFL recordto notice the four illegal blocks in the back commited by Chicago on the return until, once again, it was all said and done. 'Oh well, we'll just put an asterisk next to the record and it will be okay.' But it's not okay.

Yes, officiating is neccesary. Yes, the officials are only human. Yes, the game happens fast no matter if it is the NFL, MLB, NBA, or NHL. But here's what needs to happen to fix the degenerating quality of professional officiating. (That's right, I not only point fingers, I offer suggestions too.)

Number one- Simplify. The rules for catching a pass (among other things) are too difficult, and change every year into more complex subrules. In a game of soccer, for instance, the rules are clearcut. (Yes, I know Football de Norteamericanos is more complex.) But the business with 'If the receivers elbow is down, and his right leg is at a ninety degree angle, then the pass is incomplete if the ball is not in a football position, that is, unless his right eye is open and he is on the 23 and a half yardline.' has got to go. Simplify the rules and then....

Number two- Educate. Educate all officials, coaches, AND players as to what the rules are, (this is also a good reason for number one) so that there can be no question when something happens.

Number three- Replay must absolutely be a permanent part of the NFL. The game happens too fast sometimes for the official to see, and if honesty is really the goal in the end, 3 other camera angles dont hurt either.

There's No Hugging in Basketball

It's official. The NBA is now unwatchable. Actually it wasn't that watchable before, but at least the Kobe-Shaq feud was enjoyable. Well, not anymore.

In case you missed it, yesterday, before the Heat/Lakers matchup Shaq and Kobe shook hands, hugged, and I even think I saw Shaq grab Kobe's ass. Kumbi-fucking-ya, I don't need see this sort of crap in the NBA. If I wanted to see crap like this I'd watch my Collector's Edition of 'Beaches,' or reruns of 'Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.'

Thanks Bill Russell, thanks a lot for opening your piehole and telling Shaq to pass the peacepipe. Isn't there a Coors Light commercial you should be doing. Jackass.

Looks like I'll just have to stick with watching the NFL, because I know there is no way in hell Owens will hug McNabb.

60-24-39

60-24-39. Those numbers are what is wrong with major league baseball these days. No they aren't the number of players suspended from steroids, or the amound of women the infield of the 1986 NY Mets slept with. Those are the measurements of Morganna, 'The Kissing Bandit.' You may be thinking 'What the Hell' but it is true Baseball has gone downhill ever since Morganna hung up her boo...her lips. No more kissing bandit. Damnit Morganna how in the hell could you do this to us. Please come back. Please come back and save the great game of baseball. If there were just a little Morganna in each and everyone of us. The world would be a better place.